


LOL!Fics

by voxangelus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, LOLspeak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voxangelus/pseuds/voxangelus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various LOL!fics written in the Harry Potter universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blue Paynt

**Author's Note:**

> The bad grammar and spelling is intentional. Read at your own risk and don't send me flames.

**Hermyuhnee** : o hai Sevrus. I haz dis blue paynt  
 **Snaypes** : O rly Miz Graynjer? Wut iz u planing to do wif ur blue paynt?  
 **Hermyuhnee** : *luks all coi an stuf* Wuz mahybee planninz to um mahybee payntin yer um stuf wif it and payntin on meh too.  
 **Snaypes** : *luks at Miz Graynjer wif shoked expreshun* O rly and why wuld u be doin dat?  
 **Hermyuhnee** : cuz u see dis anshent howliday iz comin up, Belltayne, an um iz ia ferti... preg... er iz a babee-makun howliday.  
 **Snaypes** : an dis conserns me hao? *GLAYRES LOTS*  
 **Hermyuhnee** : O wal I wuz hopin mahybee u cums too teh anshent sirkles wif meh an mahybee u iz makin me ur wif an o ya ur babee-momma.

**Snaypes** : * fawls ofer n a ded faynt*

**Hermyuhnee** : men. I meanz wut iz a gyrl to do? *gits payntbrsh an paynts ferti... preg... babee-makun simbals all over Snaypes*  
 **Snaypes** : *wakez up* dat is cowld. An freeky-deeky. U relly wantz dis greesee old poshuns mastuhr fer to be ur hubbee an ur babee-daddy?  
 **Hermyuhnee** : um yes? Ur brayv an sma.. brai... inteluhgnt. An ur vois? OMG. Plz to be takin me nao.  
 **Snaypes** : *piks up Hermyuhnee an karries hur off to hiz roowm* ok!

An so dey mayd sweet sweet luvin. An den Snaypes took Hermyuhnee to teh ansehnt sirkles an dey was mayd man an wif. Dey had 4 babees (nawt at deh saym tym!) an livd hapily evr aftur.  
Teh end.


	2. Cohabitayshun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sevrus an Hermyuhnee haz a squabble. Iz LOL!fic sew u reedz at ur own risk, k?

Snaypes wuz nawt having a gud day. Furst, dere wuz theese dundurheded stewdents an OMG teh stayte of teh cawldruns! Teh Ickle Firstee Class had, lyke, seven stewdents dat melted cawldrons on a weeklee baysis. Finuhly it wuz Friday an Snaypes wuz lookin forewerd tew a long, hawt baf wif his favrite bubblez an hiz rubber duckee an his comik bookz an awl. 

Sew he tromped tew his bafroom and started teh tub and den he notissed it. O NOES! Hiz bubblez wuz GAWN! In dere place wus sum baf oyl dat smelled lyke... lyke... Hermyuhnee. And where his comik bookz uzully wuz dere wuz dis ROWMANCE NOVEL!

“Hermyuhnee!!” Snaypez belloed. 

Hermyuhnee came bowncing intew teh bafroom all bowncy-bowncy like. “Yes, mai Sevrus?”

“U iz plz tellin me wai dere iz baf oyl where mai bubblez belongz, an why dere iz a rowmance novel where mai comik bookz belongz? Jus cauz we r having teh hawt sexxorz awn, lyke, dailee baysis duz nawt meen u can leavz ur stuffs in mai bafroom!”

Hermyuhnee had a frown. Wuz big frown. Srsly big frown. An den her face got all screwy-upped and ZOMG Snaypes knew he did somfin wrong. Somefin dat flowrz and candeez cud nawt fix.

“Sevrus Snaypes! I suggess if u wantz tew keep having teh hawt sexxorz AT AWL dat u jes put up wif mai stuff in ur bafroom! U wantz me heer awl teh tymez and tew sleep awl cuddled up next tew u an awl, sew yez, mai baf oyl iz dere. An mai novel. Ur stuffz, if yew had lookd at awl, iz in a nise lil _Imperveeous_ charmd baskit over dere on teh sink. I uze teh baf moar than u dew, sew is onlee fayr. Ur stuffz in teh shower iz in teh shower still since u uzez teh shower moar!” Hermyuhnee ranted, den stompy-stomped all stompy like owt of teh bafroom an den Sevrus heard teh door SLAM!

“Dude, u is such a dunderhed,” teh mirror said.

“O, I noez,” mutterd Sevrus, pouring hiz sandalwud-an-ceedar baf bubblez intew teh waturz. 

Sevrus soakd foar a wile and den he got owt and put hiz jammiez on an his fancee smoking jackit, even though he nevur smoked anyfing in it. Hermyuhnee wuz sitting on teh couch in teh sitting room wif her armz awl crawssed and her dis... ang.. sad face on. 

Sevrus leand in awl close an wisperd somfin in her ear abowt how sorree he wuz, an how he wuld dew bettur next tyme becuz he iz alwayz learnin an stuffz.

“U iz still a git,” Hermyuhnee replyed. 

“Yez, but I’z ur git,” Sevrus said, leening down foar a kiss.


	3. Summer Reeserch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermione an Severus do some Summer Reeserch. Dis iz wun of dem lol!fics sew reed at ur own risk, k?

Hermyuhnee walks threw teh halls at Hogwartz wif flippy-floppys on an a bikini. Her shooz make noise like dis: flip-flip-flip-flip.

Snaypes iz in teh liberry an he's doin' sum reeserch over teh summer. He heerz Hermyuhnee go by awl flip-flip-flip-flip an he haz an annoyd sew he stiks hiz head owt teh door.

Snaypes glayrz at dis interrupshun tew hiz day. "Miz Graynjer, why iz u goin threw teh halls awl flip-flip-flip-flip and ZOMG dew u rilly think those scraps of fabriks u r wering qualify az clothez?"

Hermyuhnee ia awl ignorin his glayrez. "O hai, Sevrus. Iz sooper hawt owt tewday, sew I'z goin' out tew teh lake fer a swim. U wanna swim tew? U could use sum sunshinez cuz wow, u r awl pastee white."

"Whut? Be on ur wayz, Miz Graynjer. Unlike yew, I haz teh work tew dew, an I haz a busy, an moar 'portant thingz tew dew than gowin owt tew play liek chilldrenz."

"K. U suitz urself den, Sevrus. Bai nao." Hermyuhnee goes flip-flip-flip-flip down teh hallway an maybe, jes maybe she iz puttin a liddle extra sway in her step, if u noes whut I meanz. Suddenlyz she stops an turns awround. 

"O Sevrus? Doez u haz a sunskreen poshun in ur storez? Sunburnz is all owchy and do not want."

"I only haz teh kind u rubz on. U wantz teh fancy kind u swallowz u will haz to go to Hogsmeade." 

Hermyuhnee haz a grin. Srsly is wide grin. "O, dat is tew much hassle tew go tew teh village. But however shall I get ur poshun on my back sew I don't haz a burn dere? Or teh tan lynez, foar dat mattur?"

Snaypes haz to clush teh doorframe, cuz nao he iz thinkin thinky thawts involving Hermyuhnee an her tan linez or lackz dereof. "O. Wel. I suppoez I helpz u wif dat, cuz, um, my poshun needz sum testin. Yep. An since u r goin owt in teh sun anywayz dat sayves me sum tymez. Um, u waitz heer," he says, stawlking off tew teh dunjenz foar teh poshun. Sewn he iz backz, but Hermyuhnee iz awlmost blinded by hiz seeriusly pale tor.. trun... belleh. 

"U iz goin tew join meh foar a swim den Sevrus? Whut about ur work?" Hermyuhnee askz, cuz she haz a suspishus. 

"O," said Snaypez, taking closer look at Teh Bikini. "I fownd somfing even better tew be reeserchin, Hermyuhnee, if u noes whut I meanz." 

Hermyuhnee so did noe. 

Snaypes spent teh rest of teh summer on hiz new reeserch an it wuz srsly best summer evar.


	4. Teh Serim of Serius Seriusness

Gred an’ Forge are in teh Poshuns Dunjenz and they iz up tew no gud. Dey haz a detenshun foar somefing, yoo noez, dey are Griffndoorz an alwayz up tew teh mischifs. 

“Shh, kwiet. Stur teh poshun or Snaypez will heer yoo an our mischeevis plawt will be awl rooined.”

Awl a suddenz, Snaypez comez all sneeky-like up behind teh boyz. “Jes whut doez u think u are doingz, Mr Weezly and Mr Weezly?”

Forge smilez a smile of pur boyish innosence at Snaypez. “We iz makin dis poshun, Profesr. Teh Serim of Serius Seriusness, teh wun on teh blackbord? Jes stirrin and choppin and dicin and awl.”

Snaypez does nawt beleeve dis foar even a minit, lyke not even a tiny secund mmmk. “U iz up tew sum mischeef an I will nawt haz it in mai dunjenz, does yoo heer? Kunsidr if urebil plawt iz wurth elebentybillion detenshunz wif Mistur Filch, ur toofbrushiz, an teh skool looz. O yes. Kunsidr dat veri, veri karefuly, Misturz Weezly.”

Snapez goez billowing awai tew teh frunt of teh rewm an Forge leenz ovur an whispurs franticly tew Gred. “ Iz totaly worth it, rite?” 

Gred nodz. “Totaly. Iz best prank evur. I haz teh seekrit ingreedient right heer,” he sez, opnening his palm. Dere is sum shimery stuffz in hiz hand. “Iz teh freely givun dried secreeshunz of a virgin Jarvey. Veri potunt an plz do nawt be breethin dis in, mmk?”

Forge casts teh bubbul-hed charm ovur hisself an Gred, an Gred sprinkelz teh... stuffz intew teh kauldrin. Sewn, dis mistee stuff fillz teh dunjen an Snaypez iz all “Misturz Weezly! Whut haz u dun!”

At teh frunt of teh dunjenz is no longur Snaypez, teh greezee Poshuns Mastur - iz Snaypez, teh hot pink Jarvey. Yew seez, teh Serim of Serius Seriusness combined wif teh Jarvey sekreeshunz makez yew turnz intew a Jarvey incapablez of teh swearz. An Snaypez wud lyke nuffing moar den to be swearin at dose darn boyz. Lots, mmk? 

Gred an Forge dew not menshun it tew anybody whenz all their underwearz comez back from teh lawndree an iz hot pink wif Jarvey printz - dey iz noeing dey got off eezy.


	5. U No Can Haz

Hermyuhnee iz sitting in da Grate Hawl wif a bag frum Mickee Deez. Snaypes sitz down next tew hur an dey hav dis convers.. cha.. tawk.

 

Snaypes: O hai Hermyz. Whut iz dat u gotz dere?  
Hermyuhnee: Iz Miz Graynger tew yoo. *snubz him*  
Snaypes: Why iz u so meen tew me? I'z jest askin yew a kweshun.  
Hermyuhnee: Becoz I knowz ur just commin ovar hear tew steal my fud.  
Snaypes: I don't want ur greesy muggle fud. Iz bad fer mah health. *actz all superier*  
Hermyuhnee: Fyne den, I wil keyp mah cheezburgerz awl tew mahself. Don't shew even thinkz about askin me for on.  
Snaypes: *perkz* U haz cheezburger?  
Hermyuhnee: Ugh. Yes. I haz cheezburger. You no can haz. U understanz?  
Snaypes: *lookz awl dejec.. sad. srsly he lookz prity pathetickz*  
Hermyuhnee: doan look at me lyke dat. U jus go get ur own. *iz furm*  
Snapyes: I can haz cheezburger?  
Hermyuhnee: NO! *flownces off*  
Snaypes: cerse dat cheeky gurl. I wantz cheezburger nao.


	6. The Kottige

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reemus buyz a kottige an Hermyuhnee goez tew seez it. Iz LOL!fic foar shalimar1981 sew u readz at ur own risk, k?

_Hermyuhnee is loungin in teh sun in teh back gardin at Grimold Playce. She haz a book and an icee-cowld glass of lemalade an is wearin a lil bitty bikinee. Iz hawt tewdai, an she iz getting a tan._

**Hermyuhnee:** _(fannin herself wif her book)_ O mai, it iz a skorcher tewdai. Mebbe should have Apparated tew teh seeside at Brighton or somfin cuz wow, jes layin heer iz awlmost tew much. 

**Reemus:** _(saunterz into teh gardin awl casual-lyke, but we noes bettur)_ O hai, Hermyuhnee; whut iz u doin awn dis heer fyne summery dai? 

**Hermyuhnee:** I'z tryin tew git a tan, but iz almowst tew hawt tew lie heer. 

**Reemus:** _(lookz her ovur frum head tew toe)_ I'll say iz hawt in dis heer gardin, yes. Iz dere anything I can dew foar u dat will halp u cool down? 

**Hermyuhnee:** _(raizes an eyebrow jes a lil beecuz she haz a leetle suspishus)_ Iz jes tew bad we livez heer in teh city wif no swimmin poolz or oshunz or such, u noes? 

**Reemus:** _(dissemblez)_ We could mebbe go tew Hogwartz an swim in teh lake? 

**Hermyuhnee:** No fanks. Teh giant skwid iz tew handsee foar mai taistes, if u noes whut I meanz. Besyides, u noez how Sevrus gitz abowt “unnanowced alumnai vizits”.

 **Reemus:** _(looks like he is going all thinky-think but rilly is getting around tew teh reel reason foar hiz comin' owtsyde)_ O well, I came owt tew tell u I bought a howse out in teh countree. Well, iz a kottige rilly, all smawl and cozee-lyke. An dere is an akshual pool, cuz teh last owner wuz a kompetitive Muggle swimmer an awl. 

**Hermyuhnee:** _(looks pritty sad)_ But... ur moving? I meen, yayz! I haz a happee foar u dat u haz dis nice howse now, a playce of ur own; I will jes miss having u arownd awl teh tymez. Still, iz nice foar u. 

**Reemus:** Yeah, iz nice. I will be all lonelee wifout u, I mean wifout otehr peoplez. _(he haz a blush)_ U wantz tew come wif me tew get teh keez frum teh agent?

 **Hermyuhnee:** Um, yes! I will go an put sum reel clotehz on. Jes a minit, k?

_She dashez up teh stairz an riffles threw her closit like a crazee womanz, strippin off her bikinee and puttin awn sum srsly skimpy, silvery, French lace knickerz an a pritty but nawt tew fancee sundress in dis pale pink dat makes her skinz look awl glowee. She is gunna get her a manz tewnaight becuz otehrwise Reemus will jes be all hermity-lyke, and she will pine awai foar himz._

_Reemus watched fondlee az she went up teh stairz, enjoyinz teh sight of her swayin hipz. He hoped she would lyke hiz kottige cuz he wasn't gonna want her to leave, evar. When she came back down in a pink dress and high-heelz sandals, he awlmost gave over tew his wolfly instinx an klaimed her rite dere on teh hawlwai floor!_

**Hermyuhnee:** Okai, we goez now?

 **Reemus:** Yes. 

_Sew dey went an picked up teh keez frum teh agent, an Reemus Apparated tehm tew teh kottige. Wuz such a nice kottige! Tew storiez, wif a big porch an teh pool owt back. They went inside, and Reemus 'splained how it came furnished an awl, wif one of teh three bedrewms az an office an libraree._

**Hermyuhnee:** Dat's nice yew haz rewm foar a guest tew, if you wantz tew haz peoplez tew vizit. 

**Reemus:** I hopez u will vizit me. 

**Hermyuhnee:** O, Reemus. I would rathur jes stay alwayz. I meanz, if you wantz me tew. 

**Reemus:** _(haz a shocked)_ How could I nawt wantz? I bought dis kottige becuz I kept thinking of how much u would luv it heer!

_Hermyuhnee stepz clows tew himz, an he kissez her wif tender emoshun cuz rilly it'z been lyke yeerz of flirtingz and longing gazez. Before long teh kissez turn awl pashunate an dey make sweet, sweet lovin right dere on teh hearthrug._

It was gud.

Later, dey wuz married an evenshully had tew babiez and lived hapily evar aftur. Life wuz gud and happee in teh little kottige.


	7. Use Ur Lissening Earz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOL Produkshuns bringz u anothur heelareeus LOL!fic foar dis theeme of Teacherz. 
> 
> Wif mah apologeez tew Potter Puppet Pals, Squaresoft an Monty Python. Hee.
> 
> An wif much luv to Miz Nom cuz she started dis whole LOLfic thing. 
> 
> U iz plz to be laffin. O an reviewin. Fanks!

**Dumblez:** O hai studentz an welkom tew anothur yeer at Hogwartz. Plz to nawt be runnin around in teh Forbidden Forest, k? Iz pritty dangerous an theer mite be Death Eaterz or werewolvez or deementurz or sumpin.

 **Harree:** OMG, he iz alwayz sayin dat, but we is alwayz goin into teh Forest anywayz cuz I'z teh Chosen One an nuffin can touch me. 

**Hermyuhnee:** OMG u needz to lissen! Iz dangerous, u egotisti... high an might... entitled prat!

 **Dumblez:** Also dere will be no Hogsmeade trips dis yeer cuz dere's a war on an awl and iz dangerous to be goin outside. Dat means no sneekin out frew seekrit passiges and awl. Ok, nao u haz had ur feesting so iz time foar bed. Plz to not be out aftur kerfew or Mr Filch will get out hiz thumbskrewz k? So plz to be off t ur kommon rewmz an ur beds. Pip pip.

_Harree, Hermyuhnee, and Ron awl git up an' help teh ickle firstees git tew Gryfindowr Towur._

_Latur dat night, Harree takes his Invisbilty Clowk an sneeks out to roam teh halls wif awl his Teenage Wizard Angst az dere is way tew much tew jus' stay contayned in his dorm rewm._

**Harree:** O I am a teenage wizard an I haz teh Angst. Angst angst angst...

_Snaypes sneeks up all sneeky like wif his robez an his sneerz and his billowin cape and awl._

**Snaypes:** Doez u think teh rulez of dis skool dew nawt appliez tew u, Mistur Potter?

 **Harree:** OMG WTF Snaypes!

 **Snaypes:** Eleventybillion pointz frum Gryfindowr fer ur cheek, Mistur Potter. Why iz u out in mah hallwayz?

 **Harree:** Oh, I haz an angst. I haz dis big job tew dew, an it is tew much werk, an I jest want to be a normal wizard an play Qidtich and kiss girls an stuff.

 **Snaypes:** Spare me ur petty problemz Mistur Potter. U haz a job tew do so suck it up an jest dew it alwready. Teh Dark Lawd Moldyshortz will awnly get moar powerful lyke Diablos from Final Fantasee VIII teh moar powerful u getz. U see teh corrolashun? 

**Harree:** Uh sir did u jes say somfin about a viddeo game? 

**Snaypes:** Wunce agin u putz ur keen an penetrating mind to teh task an comez up wif teh rong conclushun, Mistur Potter. U iz hopeless. I gives up. I triez tew teech u and u jest doan git it. Ask Miz Graynger, k? She's teh smart one.

_Snaypes stalkz away, robez billowin an awl._

_Harree luks prity confuzed cuz he was sure Snaypes wuz talkin about a video game. He sneeky sneeks back to teh kommon rewm an explainz what Snaypez said tew Hermyuhnee._

**Hermyuhnee:** U iz such an idiot. He meenz u better grow a pair an jes go kill Moldyshortz cuz iz never gonna get any eesier. Duh. Nao leavz me alown cuz I haz awl dis readinz tew do kthxbai. 

_Harree blinkz an understanz nao whut his teecher wuz trying tew teech him. Iz a speshul moment. Aww._

_Den he jes goes out an he killz Moldyshortz an dere wus much rejoising. Yay._


End file.
